Voice Week, Day 3: The Big Move

Mona arrived almost half an hour early, hopping out of her car so fast she nearly lost her balance.

She crossed the front lawn briskly and was about to knock on the front door when she heard someone yell.

“…We talked about this!!!”

Mona’s fist paused in mid-air. Bad vibes. She wouldn’t want to ruin this gorgeous, happy day by getting in the middle of some fight. She could wait; Dave wasn’t there yet anyway.

She took a few steps back, slowly, drinking in the sight of the house. The entire front porch needed repainting, and that old-fashioned door would definitely have to go. But the bench–OH! All the lovely afternoons she and Dave could spend just sitting there!

She touched her belly as she turned to look at the lawn. Kiddie pool. Definitely.

Oh, this is so, so exciting!

———————————————————————————————————

My entry to Voice Week 2011, day number three. So far I’ve been enjoying this exercise a lot, and I’ve also been learning much both from the feedback and the works of the other writers in the group.

Now for an appeal: If you have the time, I would appreciate getting constructive criticism, too, especially as I’ve only been writing semi-regularly for a few months. Thanks, guys — especially you, Stephanie, who’s making this possible for all of us! 🙂

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16 thoughts on “Voice Week, Day 3: The Big Move

  1. Interesting change in the point of view. The sudden happiness is almost jarring.

    The only criticism I have is “She’s having the porch….” The verb tense switches from the past to the present. Minor.

    later.

  2. Introduction of a new voice, someone literally on the outside.
    Obviously very happy new house, new baby, lots of ideas, can’t wait to get going.
    I’m intrigued as to what happens next, when possibly inside and out meet.
    Looking forward to tomorrow’s piece.

    1. Not really sure yet how far the other two pieces will go; my initial idea was to capture the same five minutes from different vantage points. What Mona heard was actually the tail-end of the exchange between Lily and Clarice, about the box of toys (See days 1 and 2).

      But I’m starting to get quite interested in the bigger story here, too. I may continue working on this beyond Voice Week 🙂

  3. Ah, the tension between the sadness within and the sadness without. As most pregnant mothers are, she’s very self centered…not wanting to ruin her bliss with the pain she can hear. Very nice. My own ‘criticism’ would be that I would like to have seen what your choices would have been in order to keep this within the 100 words count, give or take.

  4. I read this one as if Mona is the other woman, perhaps Lily and her mom are moving out because the dad got Mona pregnant. That was mainly because I was not sure whether the “…We talked about this!!!”shout from inside was aimed at her or someone who was already inside. I felt it was aimed at her since she then went on to say she did not want to get in the middle of a fight. I am not sure if that is off base.

    No criticism at all with the writing, it flowed nicely for me.

    1. Mona and her husband actually bought the house 🙂 What she heard was the last bit of the exchange between Lily and her mom, about the too-small-box for the toys.

      Your version’s quite interesting, though, and could make a nice twist…I think I’ll consider that if/when I rewrite these pieces into something bigger. Thanks much! 🙂

  5. Great idea to take the action to the buyers of the house. Never saw that coming, and it works very well. It counterbalances the stress happening inside the house very well. I think Craig already picked up on the only real problem with the piece.

  6. Her expectation at the new house, combined with the threat of the argument going on inside the house, is very effective. Her positive attitude feels fragile, like it could break if the argument spilled outside. I’m rooting for her.

  7. Great job. Great choice for day 3. Her energy, her excitement, the “bad vibes” line are all such great definers of her personality. Knowing the pain of the characters inside, though, it kind of makes me not like her – I automatically want to turn her into the enemy, blaming her for the fact the others have to move, but of course that’s probably not the case at all.
    No criticism, this piece is pretty perfect. : )

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