Day 16 Letter: To someone that’s not in the country

Dear H,

Since your 30th birthday is coming up, I’m sharing with you these things (that you actually asked for) to form part of your so-called time capsule. I’m sending this via air mail and e-mail, just to make sure you know that I did not neglect your request πŸ™‚

You asked how my life was when I turned 30. To answer this accurately I’m referring back to my old blog, in which I made a number of entries on the matter. The posts would tell you that I went a bit nuts around that time.

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February 6, 2007

TURNING 30

In six days I shall be crossing a frontier. Turning over to the dark, wrinkled side. Hitting the big, inevitable 3-0. OH. MY. DEAR. LORD.

Remember those days when your 30-year old aunts and uncles would come, and you’d think they were so ancient? Now I can’t reconcile that perception with how I feel about myself. At almost-30(operative word: ALMOST), I feel like I’m still such a baby!! I look at the world and feel like there’s still so much for me to discover, so many things for me to take on and a whole lot of time ahead of me. Then one look at the calendar and the truth yells at me: I am not so young anymore!

Still, the number may be hanging over my head, but it’s still not sinking in. I may be finding it more difficult to lose weight now, but other than that one thing, I’d like to think that I am still all youthful. Like an old teacher used to say, it’s all in the mind πŸ˜€

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February 15, 2007

DYING INSIDE

Maybe it’s just a phase I’m going through. Maybe it’s just hormones because it’s almost that time of the month again. Maybe it’s some sort of birthday depression that happens to everyone who turns 30. Whatever.I just know that I feel like mourning. Mourning for the used-to-be impassioned spirit which, I realize, has been gradually dissipating for some time now.

I want to feel alive again. I want to save what little is left of that spirit, and perhaps even make it burn again. It’s too early in the game for me to be a tired, old woman.

Sometimes I can be such a drama queen. (Sigh)

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July 6, 2007

FIRSTS

Nearly 5 months after my embarrassing, melodramatic birthday entries (seemingly brought about by a huge mood swing that thankfully went the opposite direction a couple of hours later), allow me to recount a number of FIRSTs since I turned 30:
Β 
  • First HOSPITAL CONFINEMENT AND SURGERY: Goodbye, appendix!
  • First HOSPITALIZATION FOR SUPERHON as well: Hello diabetes! Back to back weekends at the hospital for us (he first, then I). Ang saya.
  • First COMMUNICATION WORKSHOP attended: Realized I need to do breathing exercises πŸ™‚
  • First TOTAL “HAIR-OVER,” still as a result of the comm workshop…Realized that I could actually do something to start looking my age.
  • First ZAMBOANGA TRIP: Was sadly (stupidly, truth to tell) disappointed not to see vintas or anything distinctly “Zamboangan!”
  • First BOAT RIDE FROM DUMAGUETE TO CEBU: Actually stayed in my bunk till an hour after the ship had docked; thought we were still in the middle of the ocean! By the time I got off the crew was already sweeping the floors and most of the bedcovers had been removed. Haha.
  • First DUMAGUETE VACATION: Have been traveling to Dumaguete for years, but always for work. This time I was actually able to enjoy it, with Superhon, the Super Sisters, and our great hosts, Tere and Cookie–love you mga kapatid!!
  • First ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC US EMBASSY INTERVIEW: The consul actually said, “Now you can visit whenever you want.” Need I say more? (wink)
  • First AWAKENING OF THE LITTLE BOY INSIDE OF ME: All thanks to Optimus Prime and the kick-ass movie of the year!
  • First NATIONAL TELEVISION INTERVIEW: I don’t think too many people saw it, though. Simultaneous on 3 channels, pero NBN, RPN and IBC yun, at 7:30 in the morning pa on a national holiday!!
  • First BRIDESMAID STINT: Happening tomorrow…All the best to Patz and Aris!
  • First REAL VIEW OF THE POSSIBILITY OF FINISHING MY MSW: I think it just might really happen, finally, this school year. 8 years in the making!!
  • First time TO HOLD 2 JOBS: Am actually holding the same job now, but I’ve been tasked to take on another program that used to take up a whole, separate post. So I have become Curacha–ang babaeng walang pahinga. The development is equally daunting and rewarding…and has been allowing me very little time to sleep.

All in all it’s been great, so far…So ya, I guess being 30 isn’t so bad after all. πŸ™‚

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I didn’t know then, of course, that within another month, my life’s biggest challenge would begin. In a few words, my marriage almost ended, hubby and I underwent a trial that lasted 3 years(!), we were restored by grace, and we both became better people for it (not to mention our relationship with God and with each other has become stronger than ever).

You also asked what the greatest lesson was that I learned in my 30s. One thing automatically jumped out of my head upon reading that question: the one lesson that I’m still continuing to learn, MOMENT-BY-MOMENT DEPENDENCE ON GOD’S GRACE. Nothing like a personal crisis you can’t have any control over to make you see that at the end of the day, you really don’t know anything and you really can’t do anything apart from the Lord. Seemingly trite abstractions, for instance, like unconditional love, faith, faithfulness, hope, joy, peace, strength, patience, forgiveness, prayer, worship, service, sacrifice, acceptance — became truly alive to me only in the last few years, as I learned to humble myself, surrender all to God (that’s one more vital word: surrender), and allow His grace to be at work in my life.

I feel like I have so much more to share, but of course reading all these won’t really matter much as you have to live your own life, go on your own journey and learn your own lessons along the way. So now I just want you to know I’m praying that you live each day to the full and most especially that you find and fulfill God’s will for your life. Nothing will bring more genuine and lasting joy than that.

Love,

P

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One thought on “Day 16 Letter: To someone that’s not in the country

  1. Heyya πŸ™‚ Happened to read this while i’m working on a piece for myself! Learn to trust in God and He’ll bring it through. You’ll be surprised how happy you feel when you surrender your worries to Him and how amazingly great He can shower you. I know, because I’ve been doing that a lot this year πŸ™‚

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